FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
You Might Also Like
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
You learn something every day
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?