Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Hey! This isn’t my car!

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

I can’t stop watching this.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.