Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*