Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you text your spouse?

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Doggies just call it style.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]

HARRY: Hey

SALLY: Sup

*roll credits*

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

💀💀💀💀

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.