Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.