Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

And then there were 4

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.