Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.
You Might Also Like
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Shortcut
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience