Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere