FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Basically.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
men are simple creatures
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Velcrow
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!