@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

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@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

@jeenabloom

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

@kevinjrr

Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

@paminski

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

@NiggazWILIN

Girls suck at cuddling.. 3 mins in they be like “I got a question and don’t lie”

@tuckerflodman

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

@ItsAndyRyan

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s