FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.