friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I could NOT have put it better myself.