Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Zack Greinke stories are the best