Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!