Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

FINE, I WON’T.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Oops 🤭

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”