friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
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Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
“The Perfect Relationship”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.