Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle