Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

thank god

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN