Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’ve been drinking.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.