Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.