Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.