‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
There’s a special place in he’ll for autocorrect
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
if we all get face tattoos…they cant not hire all of us