Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Always a housemaid, never a house.