Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’