Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.