Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
*puts cutlery down*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat