Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.


*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear


I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers


Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????


[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock


Things I’ve learned on Twitter:
1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink
2. Naps rule
3. Pants are optional
4. Everybody hates Nickelback


gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake


me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente