Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”