Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
How I’d get arrested…
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?