Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
5 ways to appear taller
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.