Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ooops wrong house😂😜

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Friday

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

😂

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

What the dentist sees

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?