friend saw this guy on the apps lol
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
It鈥檚 an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
valentines day should involve pi帽atas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That鈥檇 wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Voting for coroner
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
馃槀馃槀
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
hey we鈥檙e calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?