friend saw this guy on the apps lol
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Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank