Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE