Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Cold.