Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

fixed it

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.