Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

cry laughing at this shit

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.