Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

shampoo implies shampee

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.