Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
This guy gets it.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.