Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them