Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
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A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My circle of trust is a meatball
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.