Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Breaking news:

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

🤷‍♀️

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting