Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Did I do this right
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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