Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.