Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.