Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?