Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.