Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Grew big
Anyone really
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.