Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
You Might Also Like
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.