Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

new dr. seuss book dropping:

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.