FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me in tagged photos
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Thursday
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead