Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
