Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.