FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
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I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
#dalle2
