FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
smh
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what