Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
