Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
Catering service
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Yoga Matt
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.