Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
🤭😂
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.