Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.