Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it