Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Punctuation Matters. Period.