Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
This is amazing.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Inside you there are two wolves
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Tell me you get it…🤣
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.