Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”