Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

scares

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

#MeanwhileinCanada

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Phonetics

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.