Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
