Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

first you must answer his riddles