Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it