I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I’m fearful of her college days.
If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.
It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.
Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.