@TheHyyyype

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

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@Jandalize

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

@psybermonkey

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Me: can I get a children’s sub

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Elon Musk: move over I got this

@specialsquid

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

@ElleAys

My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I’m fearful of her college days.

@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@notviking

“always save your grocery bags,” my parents told me. “you never know when you might need them.” i now have thousands of bags. it is an ever-growing mass that cannot be stopped. at this point i don’t have any room for food so i must eat the bags. they become angry.

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