friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Rather alarming headline…
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.