Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*