Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

I love art.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

I’m going to need a moment here.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian