Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”