Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?